Am I a Fake Believer?

Wisdom does not always come from reading hundreds of books, passing classes, or earning degrees.

Sometimes wisdom comes when we are alone.

Sometimes it comes through suffering—not only from our own pain, but from learning to understand the pain of others.

In the darkness, I struggled with questions I had never dared to ask myself before.

Am I real?

Am I a real believer?

Or am I fake?

That was my greatest challenge.

All I had to do was say one sentence:

“I am not a Christian. I do not believe in Jesus.”

Perhaps I could have been released. Perhaps the suffering could have ended.

But remaining faithful to what I believed meant continuing my loneliness, my imprisonment, and my pain.

So, alone in the darkness of solitary confinement, I began arguing with myself.

“Am I fake and don’t even know it?”

I did not want to become a fake person who deceives himself.

And I do not believe anyone wants to be fake. Yet sometimes we become so high on our own thinking that we convince ourselves we know everything and are doing everything right.

We live inside a bubble.

The bubble of knowledge.

The bubble of education.

The bubble of religion.

I have an education. I know the answers. I pay my tithe. I go to church every week. Everyone tells me I am a good Christian.

So, it is done.

But the truth is:

Nothing is done.

There is also the bubble that says:

I am saved no matter what.

I know the true God.

I am going to save others.

Those who do not know what I know are wrong.

But then I had to ask myself:

Do I really know?

Am I truly a believer?

Maybe someone does not know my religion, but perhaps they know LOVE better than I do.

When was the last time I asked myself a question that challenged my own beliefs?

Did I ever seriously ask what exists outside my box—outside the walls of my thoughts, traditions, education, religion, and beliefs?

There is another dangerous bubble:

Everyone else is wrong, and only I—or my group—has the truth.

This is painful:

To believe you are holding the truth in your hands while living inside a bubble.

But perhaps the truth was never meant to be merely carried in our hands.

Perhaps the truth must be carved into our hearts.

That is why Love came down—to live with us, through us, and between us.

“Those who carry love only in their hands may fail to see love with their hearts.”

I did not want to live inside a bubble.

I did not want to be fake.

I wanted to know the real truth—not simply the truth that other people had chosen for me and told me to accept.

I do not even know who I was talking to anymore.

The darkness?

Myself?

God?

But I knew one thing.

This was the real me asking questions I had never asked before.

Who am I?

Am I a fake believer?

Or am I simply a religious person pretending to know God?

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If I Am Religious…

I do not want to choose certain laws for my own benefit while ignoring the others and pretending they do not exist.

I do not want to be selective when it benefits me.

Either I am honest with myself, or I am not.

I did not want to be fake.

And so, every day in that dark solitary prison, I asked myself these questions:

Am I a fake believer when I judge and condemn others more than I accept and love them?

Am I a fake believer when I trust human beings and religious communities more than I trust the Holy Spirit?

Am I a fake believer when I selectively follow the rules that please me but ignore the ones that challenge me?

Am I a fake believer when I help someone I know but refuse to help someone I do not know?

Am I a fake believer when I preach about the Passion of Christ and persecution, but refuse to understand the suffering of others?

I had experienced persecution.

And because I experienced persecution, I made a decision:

I will never persecute another person with my words.

I will not reject people because of who they are.

I will not hate them because they believe differently from me.

My responsibility is not to control another person’s conscience.

My responsibility is to accept and love them.

That is all.

Am I a fake believer when I talk more than I act?

Am I a fake believer when I spend more time looking for rules than looking for love?

I thought about the people who wanted to stone the woman.

They were ready with the law in their hands.

But Jesus asked the one without sin to throw the first stone.

And they all left.

Then, without condemnation, He told her to leave her life of sin.

So I asked myself:

Why would I, as someone who calls himself a CHRISTIAN—someone who claims to follow Christ—want to throw the first stone?

Why would I use religion as a weapon while forgetting the love of Jesus?

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If I Am a Believer, I Must Remember

“Enter through the narrow gate.”

What the majority says does not automatically make it true.

What my group says does not automatically make it true.

Popularity does not define truth.

Tradition alone does not define truth.

I must continue searching my own heart.

I must also remember that no building, organization, or human being can do my spiritual work for me.

A church can encourage me.

People can teach me.

A community can support me.

But I must personally open my heart to God.

We can call one another true believers every day for the rest of our lives.

But in the end, what matters is not simply what we call ourselves.

What matters is who we truly are before God.

Our responsibility is to:

Love one another.

Accept one another.

And refuse to make ourselves the final judges of everyone else.

We can build the largest building in the world and call it a church.

We can spend every day saying that we glorify God.

But in the end, perhaps the most important question is:

Where did God see His true temple?

Not where humans built the biggest building.

But where people truly lived with love.

We may think we are blessed because we have more money.

Because we have a better house.

Because we have a more comfortable life.

But perhaps blessing cannot be measured by any of those things.

The real blessing is having a heart capable of accepting and loving people without exception.

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Maybe This Is Our Problem

Perhaps we spend more money than we spend hugging one another.

We judge more than we love.

We reject more than we accept.

We have more than we need.

We talk more than we act.

We try to teach more than we are willing to learn.

We trust human beings more than we trust God.

We listen to other people more than we search our own hearts.

Sometimes we think we are saved simply because someone else told us so.

Sometimes we lose the present while constantly bargaining for eternity.

We say:

“God, I love You because You will save me.”

But I no longer want to bargain with God.

I want to be able to say:

“I love You even if You do not give me what I want.”

Perhaps that is where real love begins.

And perhaps, without realizing it, we sometimes become hypocrites while believing we are the most faithful people in the room.

I repeated these questions again and again in the darkness.

I wanted to know the truth.

Maybe I was wrong.

Maybe I had misunderstood something.

Maybe some of my questions were dangerous.

Maybe I was afraid of what the answers would reveal about me.

But I knew one thing.

After everything I had experienced—

I wanted to accept everyone.

I wanted to love everyone.

Even those who tortured me.

“Teach me, and I will hold my tongue; and cause me to understand wherein I have erred.”
—Job 6:24

I entered that darkness asking:

“Who is my enemy?”

And somewhere in those long days of silence, another question became more important:

“How can I love?”

Because perhaps I can have religion without love.

I can have knowledge without love.

I can have a church without love.

I can have rules without love.

I can even speak about God without truly reflecting His love.

But if everything I believe does not teach me how to love people more deeply—

Then perhaps I still have more to learn.

In the darkness, I was searching for truth.

And the first truth I found was this:

I never want to use what I believe to destroy another human being.

I would rather spend my life learning how to love.

—Joshua

From the diary behind Becoming Joshua

…..Please email me your feedback…..

The Only New Thing Under the Sun

After almost two months in a small, dark solitary cell, they brought me back to a regular prison cell.

My back pain was unbearable. Every second felt painful. It seemed as if every bone in my body hurt. I carried the darkness with me even after they opened the cell door.

Recreation time in the prison yard became a blessing.

I needed the sunshine.

I needed to feel something warm again.

When the sun touched my skin, I closed my eyes and stood there as long as I could. After so much darkness, even a few minutes of sunlight felt like freedom.

But inside me, there was still anger.

I thought about the people who tortured me.

And I thought:

There is no way I can forgive them.

No matter what the Bible says.

No matter what Christianity teaches.

I CAN NOT forgive them.

I cannot even love them.

They had taken my freedom.

They had taken years of my life.

They had broken my body.

How could anyone expect me to forgive?

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Day after day passed.

Night after night passed.

Everything remained the same.

My feelings became numb. I did not want to talk to anyone. I did not want to remember my past. I did not want to think about my future.

Nothing could make me happy.

Nothing could make me upset.

Nothing felt new.

Everything was repetitive.

Then one thought began repeating itself in my mind:

“What has been will be again,
what has been done will be done again;
there is nothing new under the sun.”

Nothing new under the sun.

Those words would not leave me alone.

The verse from Ecclesiastes 1:9 kept returning to my mind again and again.

“There is nothing new under the sun.”

I thought about it so much that it began to drive me crazy.

But I did not want to think about the Bible anymore.

I did not want another verse.

I did not want another sermon.

I was angry.

The Bible had changed my life—and because I believed in it, I had been punished.

I had lost my freedom.

I had been rejected.

I had been imprisoned.

I had been placed inside darkness.

So I asked myself:

Where are all those verses now?

Where is God now?

Where are His blessings?

All I could see was pain.

All I could feel was loneliness.

All I remembered was rejection.

I had converted to Christianity, and now I felt forgotten.

No one remembers me.

I began to think:

Maybe Solomon was right.

Maybe there really was nothing new under the sun.

Maybe there was nothing new for me either.

Not even God.

But then I argued with Solomon in my mind.

Of course Solomon could say that.

He had wisdom.

He had power.

He had wealth.

But what about me?

Is there anything new under the sun for someone sitting inside a prison cage?

Is there anything new under the sun for someone whose body is broken and whose heart no longer knows how to feel?

Is there anything that can make me happy again?

Every day, during recreation, I asked myself these questions.

And every day, I had no answer.

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Sometimes I tried to stop thinking.

I just wanted to enjoy the sun.

I wanted to keep my mind quiet.

I wanted to keep my mouth closed.

I did not want to enter another dark hole—either physically or inside my own mind.

If I talked about the Bible or repeated certain verses to the wrong person, the guards could send me back into solitary confinement.

I had learned to be careful.

So I told myself:

Keep your face toward the sun.

Do not look back at the shadows.

Do not go into the darkness again.

I stood there, feeling the sunshine on my face.

And then—

Suddenly—

I found my answer.

YES.

There was one thing new under the sun.

One thing that Solomon, with all his wisdom, had not given me an answer for.

LOVE.

Love is the only new thing under the sun.

Every morning, we have another opportunity to love.

Every day, love can become new again.

A new person.

A new wound.

A new opportunity.

A new choice.

Yesterday’s love cannot do today’s work for us.

Today, we must choose again.

To love again.

To accept again.

To forgive again.

Maybe that is why love is always new.

Because every sunrise gives us another chance to practice it.

And there I was—

A broken man standing in a prison yard, enjoying the sun.

The same man who had said:

“I can never forgive them.”

The same man who had said:

“I cannot love them.”

And yet, somehow, in the middle of my anger, something inside me began changing.

Not because they deserved my forgiveness.

Not because my pain suddenly disappeared.

Not because prison became easier.

But because I finally understood something:

Love is not always a feeling.

Sometimes love is the choice we make when every feeling inside us tells us not to.

I was trying to run away from my faith.

I wanted to stay far away from everything I believed.

Maybe rejecting it made me feel safer.

Maybe if I stopped believing, I could stop being hurt.

But I discovered something strange.

Sometimes refusing Him only brings us closer to Him.

I tried to walk away.

But somehow, Love kept finding me.

Even in prison.

Even in the darkness.

Even when I was angry at God.

Even when I could not forgive.

Even when I did not want to believe anymore.

Perhaps I was not searching for God.

Perhaps I was trying to escape Him.

But Love was already standing there—

Under the same sun.

“There is nothing new under the sun.”

Maybe.

But every morning, we are given a new opportunity to love.

—Joshua

To those who practice what they preach—
from my craziest, most broken heart.

…..Please email me your feedback…..

Love and Relationship vs. Religion and Laws

Jesus surrounded Himself with people who were considered far from God.

Everywhere Jesus went, He seemed to choose the people others wanted to avoid.

He ate with tax collectors.

He walked with sinners.

He spoke with the rejected.

He stopped for the broken.

He went into the homes of people society had already judged.

And when I claim to be a Christian, it means I claim to follow Christ—to become more like Him.

But the question I have to ask myself is:

Do I?

Religious people were often upset with Jesus.

They were upset when He ate and spent time with people they considered sinners.

They were upset when Jesus saw Zacchaeus sitting in a tree and called out to him. Zacchaeus had taken money from others, yet Jesus chose to go to his house.

They were upset when Jesus showed compassion to people they believed did not deserve it.

They watched Him closely.

They judged Him.

They questioned Him.

And perhaps the most painful truth is this:

Religious people still exist today.

They may know the rules, but do they know how to love?

They may speak about God, but do they walk with people the way Jesus did?

They may be quick to explain who is wrong, who is sinful, and who is going to hell—but slow to sit beside someone who is hurting.

They can make people feel rejected.

They can make people feel that they are too broken to come near God.

They can make people believe they need human approval before they can walk with Him.

But there is a great difference between religion and Jesus.

Religion can say, “You are not good enough to come in.”

Jesus says, “Come. Walk with Me.”

Jesus does not abandon people because they are broken.

He walks with them.

He does not begin with rejection.

He begins with love.

He does not tell the wounded, “Fix yourself first, and then come to Me.”

He meets them where they are.

And He walks with them from there.

Jesus makes people feel seen.

He makes people feel loved.

He offers grace, acceptance, and relationship.

But then I must ask myself again:

DO I?

If I truly worship Jesus, should I not also walk as He walked?

Should I not learn to love the people others reject?

Should I not sit with people others judge?

Should I not listen before I condemn?

Should I not offer grace before demanding perfection?

Otherwise, what makes me different?

I may call myself a Christian.

I may go to church.

I may know the Bible.

I may know the laws.

I may know the verses.

But if I do not love the way Jesus loved, if I do not walk with people the way Jesus walked with them, then perhaps I am simply one more religious person among religious people.

Because being close to religion does not necessarily mean being close to Jesus.

Knowing His words is not the same as living them.

Carrying a Bible is not the same as carrying His love.

The question is not only, “Do I worship Jesus?”

The question is, “Do I walk like Him?”

I do not want to be known simply as a religious person.

I want to learn how to love.

I want to walk beside people.

I want people to feel accepted in my presence—not because I agree with everything they do, but because I believe no one should have to earn the right to be treated with love and dignity.

Because perhaps the greatest difference between religion and Jesus is this:

Religion often builds walls before offering love.

Jesus offered love and invited people to walk with Him.

And every day, I must ask myself:

If Jesus were walking through this world today, would I recognize Him by the way I am living?

DO I walk with Him—or am I simply standing among religious people and talking about Him?

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—Joshua

Love and Relationship vs. Religion and Laws

……Please email me your feedback…..

Maybe they do.

Because while many believers are busy judging others, confidently believing they are saved, some non-believers quietly do good without expecting anything from God in return.

They do not bargain with God and say:

“I love You because You will save me.”

Instead, they may simply believe that doing good is the right thing to do.

And I have to ask myself:

Who is really closer to the heart of what Jesus taught?

While some believers search for one verse to condemn another group—especially those outside their church or community—other people may be showing love without first asking:

What do you believe?
Which church do you attend?
Are you one of us?

They simply see another human being.

And they choose to love.

Wasn’t that one of the greatest commands of Jesus?

Love one another.

While some believers become consumed with maintaining buildings and spending money on things that may have little to do with serving people, others work tirelessly to make sure people have food, shelter, education, dignity, and opportunity.

While some believers reject people because they do not belong to their community, some non-believers welcome people without demanding that they first become like them.

While some believers spend enormous amounts of money trying to prove the strength of their faith, others invest their resources in education, research, humanitarian work, and helping make the world a better place.

I am not saying that all believers are like this.

I know many believers whose lives are filled with extraordinary love, sacrifice, and service.

And I am not saying that all non-believers are good.

That is not my point.

My question is much more uncomfortable:

Can someone speak about God every day and still forget how to love people?

And can someone who does not call himself a believer sometimes demonstrate the kind of compassion, humility, and love that believers claim to follow?

If the answer is yes, then I have to look at myself.

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While some believers believe that everyone who disagrees with them is going to hell, others may say:

“I do not know what happens after death. I will leave that judgment to God.”

While some believers hire people to talk about love for the rest of their lives, others simply try to live in love.

Because perhaps real love does not always need a microphone.

Perhaps it does not need a stage.

Perhaps it does not need to announce itself.

Love should be visible in the way we treat people.

While some believers separate themselves from others because they believe they are saved, other people spend their lives trying to bring human beings together.

They remind us:

We all hurt.
We all need love.
We all need one another.

And perhaps this is where I become afraid of myself.

Because while some believers are busy thinking about whether they are saved, they may forget to ask whether they are actually loving anyone.

They become so certain that they have found the truth that they stop questioning their own hearts.

They become so concerned about reaching heaven that they forget the people standing beside them on earth.

And perhaps the greatest danger is not asking:

“Am I going to heaven?”

Perhaps the greater question is:

“Am I becoming more like Christ?”

Because even Satan believes that God exists.

Believing that God exists is not the same as walking with Him.

Knowing Bible verses is not the same as living them.

Knowing about Jesus is not the same as becoming like Jesus.

I can read the Bible for fifty years.

I can go to church every Sunday.

I can know every verse.

I can preach about salvation.

I can call myself a Christian.

But if I do not learn to love—

What have I really learned?

For me, Christianity cannot simply be something I believe.

It must become something I live.

Walking with Jesus.
Acting with compassion.
Loving like Jesus.
Accepting people with dignity.
Serving without expecting something in return.

If I am a believer, then I claim to be a Christian.

If I claim to be a Christian, then I claim to follow Christ.

And if I claim to follow Christ, then I must constantly ask myself:

DO I?

Do I love like Him?

Do I forgive like Him?

Do I sit with the rejected?

Do I see people before I see their labels?

Do I judge less and listen more?

Do I use my faith to build walls—or to build bridges?

Because being like Christ means more than carrying His name.

It means learning, every day, to love.

To accept.

And to leave the final judgment where it belongs:

With God.

“The greatest question is not how loudly I say I believe. The greatest question is how deeply I have learned to love.”

—Joshua

To the pastors and believers—including myself—who may sometimes forget the command that should never be forgotten:

LOVE EACH OTHER.

ACCEPT ONE ANOTHER.

….. Please email me your feedback……

Pending…

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The Thief made it…

To my brother and sister in Christ who think they are the only ones who will be saved and spend eternity in heaven with Jesus,

Never forget, the thief on the cross with Jesus;

he had never been to any bible studies,

he had never been a baptism,

he was not a member of any churches,

he had never paid any tithe to any churches,

he did not know even what should he believes,  

he had no idea of God or scriptures,

he did not even pray,

he was just a thief,

BUT HE MADE IT TO THE HEAVEN WITH JESUS.

I want to repeat it again, HE MADE IT.

He made it, maybe because he was humble,

He made it, maybe because he never judge others,

He made it, maybe because …..,

In the end when we die, there will be so many of these type of people who make it and most of us who think we are saved , we wont make it…

They Created Their Own Version of Jesus

By writing and publishing these words, I know I may face even more rejection from parts of the Christian community.

The truth is, I have learned to live with rejection.

And honestly, I am no longer trying to make everyone happy.

I did not come this far to write what people want to hear. I came to write what I experienced, what I felt, and what I believe I saw.

One thing I am grateful for is that I have worked with my own hands. I have never depended on a church salary to tell my story.

A rabbi once told me:

“If someone charges you for teaching the words of God, be careful. The words of God were given freely.”

And the words of Jesus remain in my mind:

“Freely you have received; freely give.”

After living in America for eight years, visiting more than one hundred churches, meeting with more than one hundred pastors, and speaking with thousands of Christians actively involved in church communities, I learned something that troubled me.

Too often, I felt that people were not following Jesus as He was—but a version of Jesus they had created for themselves.

Perhaps everyone is tempted to do this.

To shape God according to our culture.

Our politics.

Our traditions.

Our comfort.

Our fears.

Our financial interests.

Until, eventually, we are no longer asking:

“Who is Jesus?”

Instead, we are asking:

“How can Jesus become more like us?”

And that should terrify us.

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I met pastors whose education and achievements seemed to become a source of authority over other people.

There is nothing wrong with education. A bachelor’s degree, master’s degree, or Ph.D. can be valuable.

But a degree does not automatically make someone humble.

A seminary education does not automatically make someone compassionate.

And a title does not automatically make someone a servant.

Knowledge can educate the mind while pride quietly hardens the heart.

I sometimes wondered whether we had confused academic authority with spiritual maturity.

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Then there is the way we have sometimes made Jesus look exactly like ourselves.

We have painted Him according to our cultures.

Our preferences.

Our imagination.

Perhaps one day, I joked to myself, people will say:

“Jesus was born in America, and instead of feeding five thousand people with bread and fish, He fed them with McDonald’s.”

It sounds ridiculous.

But the truth behind the joke is serious.

We can become so comfortable creating God in our own image that we stop asking whether we have changed His message to fit our lifestyle.

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Jesus said:

Love one another.

Yet some of the church communities I encountered seemed very good at loving people inside their circle and suspicious of everyone outside it.

They spoke about acceptance—but sometimes only for people who looked, believed, voted, lived, or thought exactly like them.

Their version of love appeared to become:

“Love and accept our community—but reject everyone else.”

And I struggled with that.

Because I remembered Jesus walking toward the people others avoided.

I remembered Him eating with people religious leaders rejected.

I remembered Him touching the people others would not touch.

I remembered Him crossing boundaries.

So I kept asking myself:

If Jesus walked into our churches today, would we recognize Him?

Or would we reject Him because He did not fit our version of Him?

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I also struggled with hypocrisy.

I heard people preach about trusting God, while living as though everything depended entirely upon money, security, status, and comfort.

I heard sermons about miracles and healing, yet sometimes the message of faith seemed disconnected from the way people actually lived.

I heard people speak constantly about the power of the Holy Spirit, yet watched organizations refuse to take even the smallest step without first calculating the financial benefit.

Again, there is nothing wrong with planning.

Nothing wrong with doctors.

Nothing wrong with insurance.

Nothing wrong with education.

Nothing wrong with money.

The problem begins when we preach one thing and live another.

Do not tell people to trust God if you have forgotten what trust means.

Do not speak constantly about sacrifice while building a life that exists only to protect your own comfort.

Do not preach persecution as an interesting sermon topic while rejecting people who have actually suffered.

Persecution is not a sermon to me.

For some people, it is a memory written into their bodies.

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Every year, some churches become bigger.

The buildings become larger.

The technology becomes more expensive.

The budgets become greater.

But I sometimes found myself asking:

As the building becomes bigger, is the heart becoming bigger too?

Because a church can have thousands of seats and still have no room for a stranger.

It can have millions of dollars and still fail to feed someone who is hungry.

It can preach about the Holy Spirit all day while refusing to move without money.

And it can speak about Jesus while forgetting to act like Him.

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One of the deepest wounds I experienced was feeling that acceptance sometimes depended upon membership.

If I belonged, I was welcome.

If I did not belong, I could become a problem.

If I asked difficult questions, I could become dangerous.

If I said something people did not want to hear, I could be pushed away.

I had already experienced rejection from one religious system.

I never expected to feel rejected again by people who preached about the love and acceptance of Christ.

That was one of my greatest disappointments.

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I cannot say what every church believes.

I cannot judge every pastor.

And I do not want to become the very person I am criticizing—someone who believes he knows the hearts of everyone else.

But I can write about what I experienced.

And what I experienced sometimes made me ask a painful question:

Are we following Jesus—or are we following the version of Jesus we created?

That is not only a question for pastors.

It is a question for churches.

It is a question for believers.

And it is a question for me.

Because I, too, can create a version of Jesus that agrees with everything I already believe.

I, too, can use faith to protect my own pride.

I, too, can become religious without becoming loving.

So perhaps the warning is not:

“Stay away from everyone else.”

Perhaps the greater warning is:

Stay away from the version of religion that makes you believe you no longer need to question yourself.

Stay away from any leader who demands unquestioning loyalty.

Stay away from any community that uses fear to control people.

Stay away from any religion that makes you hate those whom Jesus commanded you to love.

And most importantly—

Do not feed the pride of people who use the name of God to control, reject, or destroy others.

Because a person can carry a Bible and still fail to carry love.

A person can preach about Jesus and still refuse to walk like Him.

A person can build a church and still forget what the church is supposed to be.

And I never want to forget this:

The greatest danger is not that someone else created a false version of Jesus.

The greatest danger is that I might do it too.

—Joshua
Diary reflection — December 19, 2022

I start with this verse: “They see, but they don’t really see. They hear, but they don’t really hear or understand.” (Matthew 13:13)

Many churches in the USA preach this verse for others but what if that verse is exactly for them and not others!!!

There is no room to change if you are stuck in your ways…

American churches (obviously not all) are stuck in their own way so bad, so they do not want to see or hear anything from anyone else, maybe even Jesus. (well, they hear from other pastor who like their post or comment on Twitter or Facebook 🙂 )

Maybe I should challenge them and wake them up from the BUBBLE that they created for themselves and their congregations in their churches;

Which church has Holy Spirit?

The church was founded with millions of dollars and has 5,000 members in a free country, having the opportunity to have a job and fair paycheck every week or two, or the church was founded with Zero Dollars and have more than 20,000 members in the most persecuted country in the world?

These churches and their leaders even criticize us for why we hide our identity and they claim “we don’t know you“!!

My response is, YES, you don’t know us because we don’t spend hours on social media to keep our networking and posting their pictures with $3000 suit and $1000 shoe or posting verses every day to show we are a great Christian, OR we don’t post our pictures like a hero when we preach bible at our house churches. we are so busy doing God’s work and we don’t care about networking and showing our pictures. Most of us will end up in prison and losing everything we have just because of One name, “Jesus”, DO YOU?

That is why you don’t know us. Maybe if American Churches weren’t arrogant and were part of house churches in persecuted countries they were able to knew us. We don’t care who knows us or not, all we care about is giving the message of God and being a good disciple. For us is enough if God knows us.

We established the Go and Do Ministry with Zero Dollars in the USA, actually, we established the biggest Iranian underground churches with zero Dollars. (This is the victory, not by the power of money, but the power of GOD)  

We do not pay pastors, instead, pastors work by their own hands and even pay and help the poor. Anyone who wants to serve God should work and their priority is serving Jesus and not making money from the church and call this serving God.

We do not pay for maintenance of the buildings, instead, we use our own house. We do not pay thousands of dollars for AC, or sounds system or music group. We already have a strong sound system “Holy Spirit” you should just open your ears.

We teach house churches BIBLE for free, print and publish the bible for free and give it for free.

IN THE USA, we had a Christian ART EXHIBITION in the place that none of pastors couldn’t do this since they born in the USA, because they afraid to lose their job. YES, we did it and we proud of what we did, what we do, and what we are going to do. and we did it with Zero found. That is the power of Holy Spirit.

While most American churches and pastors tried to protect their salary and hide behind the benches in their churches, Go and Do is in the battlefield since the day it’s established by Holy Spirit.

IF there is a God (Which I strongly believe there is) and God wants you to follow Him, He has Holy Spirit and Holy Spirit will guide you wherever and whenever He calls you. If you live with Holy Spirit, it does not cost you anything but you will gain everything. Living with God and Holy Spirit is always free, it cost you time and life as it did for Jesus. I assure you it does not cost your useless money.

Just stay far from those people who make you pay semester by semester in order to teach you who the real or fake God is and how you should find or understand the real or fake God or tries to teach you how to preach! To me, they teach you how to entertain the congregations during the Sunday show and keep the sit worm in order to keep the building and their salary alive.

We are “GO and DO” bigger than what you even can imagine or dream.

I challenge every pastors and every churches in the USA.

1/29/2023

In a World Full of Fake Peters, I Choose Judas

Isn’t that what the Pharisees did to Jesus?

They followed laws while forgetting the heart behind them. They believed they were the chosen ones.

They believed they were right.

They believed everyone else was wrong.

And today, I sometimes see a painful similarity.

Then, people said:

“We are the chosen ones.”

Today, some people say:

“We are the saved ones.”

Very nice similarity.

In the Christianity of the twentieth and twenty-first centuries, many Christians want to identify themselves as Peter or John.

They want to be remembered as the faithful ones.

The brave ones.

The disciples closest to Jesus.

But me?

Sometimes I would rather be Judas Iscariot.

Yes.

I said it.

And I know people will hate me for saying it.

But in a world full of people pretending to be Peter while behaving nothing like him, I would rather stand with the one everyone has condemned than sit comfortably among people who have appointed themselves judges of the world.

Let them blame me.

Let them say whatever they want.

You know what?

I have survived worse than their opinions.

What matters is not how a group of arrogant people judges me.

What matters is how God judges me.

And perhaps history will judge us all differently than we expect.

I have seen people with power created by money and comfort speak as though their power came from the Holy Spirit.

I have seen people who have never faced persecution judge those who survived it.

People who have never lost their freedom lecture people who have lost everything for their faith.

People who have never entered a prison cell explain persecution from the safety of an air-conditioned church.

And I have to ask:

What gives you the authority to judge a pain you have never experienced?

Before you judge someone else’s scars, perhaps first ask whether you understand what it means to bleed.

You do not have to experience every pain in the world before speaking about it.

But humility should come before judgment.

If you have never walked through someone’s hell, do not pretend you know why they came out changed.

Maybe instead of constantly judging others, we should judge ourselves.

Maybe churches should ask difficult questions about their own priorities.

Why do we sometimes spend more money on comfort, technology, sound systems, and buildings than on people without homes?

Why are we sometimes willing to invest so much in making ourselves comfortable while others struggle to survive outside our doors?

Jesus said:

“You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother’s eye.”
—Matthew 7:5

But perhaps that verse is easier to preach than to practice.

---

So Yes, Sometimes I Say I Want to Be Judas

Not because I admire betrayal.

Not because I want to betray Jesus.

But because I am tired of living in a world where people quickly divide humanity into heroes and villains—and then automatically place themselves among the heroes.

I would rather be the person who is honest enough to say:

“Maybe I am wrong.”

“Maybe I am broken.”

“Maybe I have questions.”

“Maybe I need mercy too.”

Than become another person who confidently announces:

“I am saved. I am right. Everyone else is wrong.”

I do not want a faith that makes me proud of being better than someone else.

I do not want salvation to become an excuse for arrogance.

I do not want Jesus to become a password that gives me permission to judge the rest of humanity.

A person can say:

“Jesus is my God.”

And still fail to walk like Jesus.

A person can attend church every week.

Give money.

Memorize verses.

Build bigger buildings.

Preach longer sermons.

And still forget the most difficult part:

LOVE.

Love people when they disagree with you.

Love people when they disappoint you.

Love people when they are different.

Love people when you do not understand them.

Love people when there is nothing to gain.

Because anyone can love when love is profitable.

The real question is whether we can love when it costs us something.

---

I have watched some Christian communities become obsessed with numbers.

More members.

Bigger buildings.

More money.

More programs.

More influence.

And sometimes I wonder:

If Jesus walked into some of these churches today, would He be impressed by the building—or would He ask where the people were?

Where are the homeless?

Where are the rejected?

Where are the wounded?

Where are the people nobody can use for money, influence, or reputation?

Because Christianity was never supposed to be a competition to prove who had the biggest building.

Jesus did not ask His disciples to build monuments to themselves.

He asked them to love.

And that is where I become uncomfortable.

Because these words are not only for them.

They are for me too.

I can become arrogant.

I can judge.

I can believe that my suffering gives me the right to think I understand everyone else.

I can create my own version of Jesus.

And perhaps that is the greatest danger.

Not that they become like the Pharisees.

But that I become one too.

So maybe I do not want to be Peter.

Maybe I do not want to be John.

Maybe I do not want to call myself Judas either.

Maybe I do not need to place myself anywhere in the story.

Maybe I simply need to ask:

Am I becoming more like Jesus—or merely becoming more religious?

Because, in the end, I do not want to be remembered as the person who had the strongest opinions.

I want to be remembered as someone who learned—slowly, painfully, and imperfectly—

how to love.

—Joshua

Poor Jesus

“American believers are sometimes victims of their pastors’ ideologies, and Jesus Himself can become a victim of what churches do in His name.”

That is a painful sentence.

And perhaps that is why I believe many Christian communities in America are not ready to read this part of my diary.

So, for now—

I will not publish it.

Not because I am afraid of rejection.

I have already experienced enough rejection to know that I can survive another person’s opinion.

I will not publish it because I do not want these words to become another weapon in a war between people who are already too busy fighting one another.

I hope that one day Christian communities in America become more humble.

More mature.

Less arrogant.

Less interested in judging people according to who they are, where they come from, how they live, or whether they have received someone’s approval.

I hope for a day when people no longer feel they must jump through religious hoops to be accepted.

A day when they do not need a pastor’s approval, a church membership card, or the permission of a religious community before they are treated as human beings worthy of love.

Until then, perhaps I will keep this part of my diary private.

Instead, I want to have a very honest conversation.

I have sometimes wondered whether certain Christians follow their family traditions more faithfully than they follow Jesus.

Whether they follow their mothers more closely than they follow Christ.

And whether, somewhere along the way, they have Americanized the Bible.

They have taken Jesus and made Him look comfortable.

Comfortable with their culture.

Comfortable with their politics.

Comfortable with their money.

Comfortable with their fears.

Comfortable with everything they already wanted to believe.

And then they use that version of Jesus to judge everyone else.

They condemn someone today.

Ask for forgiveness tomorrow.

And begin again.

Sometimes I wonder whether they truly know Jesus—or whether Jesus has simply become a useful tool.

A tool for power.

A tool for money.

A tool for influence.

A tool for controlling others.

And then I think:

Oh, my God.

Imagine arriving in heaven and discovering that all the people who spent their lives gossiping, judging, rejecting, and believing they were better than everyone else are waiting there too.

Sometimes, in my darkest and most sarcastic moments, I want to say:

“Jesus, no thank you. I think I would rather go somewhere else.”

Of course, that is my pain speaking.

My anger.

My disappointment.

But perhaps the question behind the joke is serious:

If heaven is supposed to be full of love, why do so many people who claim to be going there spend so much time practicing hatred, rejection, and judgment here?

And then another thought makes me laugh.

Some Christians know the words of King James better than they seem to know the heart of King Jesus.

They argue about translations.

They defend traditions.

They memorize verses.

But sometimes I want to ask:

Did you read the words—or did you understand them?

Because understanding Jesus should change the way we treat people.

---

History should also make us humble.

Christian communities have committed terrible acts while believing they were doing God’s work.

People were persecuted.

Women were accused of witchcraft.

Human beings were tortured and killed.

And religious language was sometimes used to justify it.

Today, many of us congratulate ourselves because we believe we have progressed.

And perhaps we have.

We no longer burn people in public.

But we should still ask:

Have we stopped destroying people?

Or have we simply learned new ways to do it?

We may not physically burn someone.

But we can destroy them with words.

With gossip.

With rejection.

With humiliation.

With lies.

With public condemnation.

With psychological cruelty.

Then, after destroying someone, we can present ourselves as the victims.

That is not spiritual maturity.

That is simply violence wearing religious clothes.

---

And then there is another contradiction I struggle to understand.

Some Christians passionately speak about trusting Jesus while also placing enormous trust in weapons.

They say:

“Jesus will protect me.”

But then they say:

“Just in case, I need something else to protect me too.”

I have watched the arguments.

I have seen people defend the freedom to own and carry weapons while also passionately claiming to protect life.

And I ask myself difficult questions.

A gun has the power to take a human life.

An adult’s life.

A child’s life.

So how do we speak consistently about the value and protection of human life?

Why is freedom sometimes sacred when it concerns one decision but unacceptable when it concerns another person’s body, health, or deeply personal circumstances?

These are difficult moral and political questions. I do not pretend to have every answer.

But I believe Christians should be willing to ask difficult questions rather than immediately attacking anyone who asks them.

Because perhaps faith without honest questions becomes ideology.

And ideology can become dangerous when people believe God agrees with everything they already think.

---

So no, perhaps I will not publish this diary.

Not yet.

Maybe America is not ready for it.

Or maybe the Christian communities I have experienced are not ready to hear how deeply some of their actions have wounded me.

Maybe I am not ready to publish it either.

But I can still ask the questions.

I can still look at myself.

I can still ask:

Have I created my own version of Jesus too?

Because that is the danger.

It is easy for me to criticize everyone else.

It is easy for me to see their hypocrisy.

But can I see my own?

Can I take Jesus out of the box I have created for Him?

Can I allow Him to challenge me rather than using Him to support everything I already believe?

That is the conversation I want to have.

Not a conversation about who is going to heaven.

Not another argument about who is saved.

Not another competition over who knows God better.

Just an honest conversation.

About love.

About humility.

About hypocrisy.

About power.

About money.

About fear.

And about what happens when people use the name of Jesus without becoming more like Him.

And sometimes, when I look at what people have done in His name, I can only look toward heaven and say:

“Poor Jesus…

If You need any help defending Yourself from the people who claim to represent You, please let me know.”

—Joshua

An unpublished diary entry.

If you read my book, “Becoming Joshua” in this book I found the friend in Prison. He become a believer and one of my best friend who everyone love. His name is Ali. In 2023 around February I was talking to him and we were talking about Matthew chapter 14:13-21 when Jesus feed 5000 man plus women and children.

Suddenly in the middle of conversation Ali said, “I will become a Jesus plus Cola”. That is my best and favorite part of his character how he always does thing shock everyone. Underground house call dedicated one episode of the podcast to Ali. here is the link; https://podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast/episode-103-a-persian-pizza-party/id1586638857?i=1000608694722

Thank you everyone, your actions in persecuted country is loader than thousands people who just talk and Judge in the freedom countries…

Some people called my diary, “little diary” to make me feel I am nothing, that is ok, I still share.

My Accident Story;

The only reason I share my accident story is to show how deeply most American Christians are sinking into their religious view and not able even to understand the simple teaching of Jesus, but claiming they are Christian and saved. (I know this is a joke but trust me they believe in that)

On November 10/2022 right two days before the Becoming Joshua Art Exhibit ended, I had a very serious car accident. As a result of the accident, we put on Hold all the becoming Joshua tours and canceled all the plans. Yes we paused everything, It took 6 years to finish the book and publish, it took a few years to put all the Art pieces together, frame them and being ready to have a biggest moment in my life and changing many other life’s by showing the Art gallery to the world. But everything changed in a second accident happened.

Now after almost 5 months of having more than 22 Dr. appointments, going through steroid injections and major fusion surgery, etc.. plus there are many other future appointments till I become the person that I was before the accident. In that critical painful time, I receive an email from someone who believe he is a dedicated Christian;

“Hey Josh, I hope you’re doing well! Is there a time us two could grab COFFEE and catch up?”

At first, I was happy; “Wow, finally someone in Christian communities in the USA cares about my health rather than just talking about Jesus and doing nothing. But my experiences with the Christian communities in the USA are not good especially when they invite you for coffee. Because what usually they do during these invitations is they just want to know all aspects of your personal life –well they should have something to gossip about- but absolutely they do not care, they just want to know, that is all and not more. Even in my book “Becoming Joshua”, I mentioned that (“Becoming Joshua” Part III, America”).

I did respond to his email the next day;

“I would love to meet and have coffee together but unfortunately I don’t think I can very soon because of medical reasons”.

ONE MOTH LATTER he responded to my response;

“Very sorry for the delayed response. Are you making progress with the medical issues? I was hoping we could meet up soon. In complete transparency, I do have some questions about your relationship status with Jennifer. Would be great to catch up in person so we can discuss further”.

WAIT, WHAT? You want to talk about my relationship!!!!!

You do not care how I am in pain for months and the only person who was there to help me was Jennifer! (the person who claims love and not hiding behind human disgusting religious views) How is that even possible, someone calls himself Christian; not visiting me, not calling, not messaging, not saying anything about how my life was destroyed by that accident, and suddenly in the middle of nowhere he wants to talk about my relationship!!! Like my life, emotions, and work, nothing is important and they never asked how I am doing in these things but when they heard about I am with someone now they just want to know if that was based on the bible or not. Look like the bible never talked about anything in Matthew 25:35-46,

OH yea, I get it now, because I live with my fiancé and we did not get marriage certification, now Christianity is in danger. (actually, their Christianity)

WOWWWWW, I cannot believe that they did not ask me how I am feeling during these days with lots of Dr. appointments and surgeries and now they are worried about why I live with my fiancé without having marriage certification. 

This is why I say Christianity in America is disgusting. Poor many innocent Americans who are really dedicated and love Jesus and want to follow Jesus but they are trapped by these fake religious leaders. To them it is all about Money, Judging, gossiping, and still calling themselves they are the saved ones. And always acting like victims and hiding behind their fake created Jesus laws. Trust me they have no idea who Jesus is, they defiled Jesus’ name. 

I just do not understand why most Christian communities in America think so much about SEX!! They do not care if someone is homeless or having miserable life or dying because of pain, but they care who sleeps with whom, and in that case, they are ready to judge, gossip, message, call, email, and have coffee for transparency.

Maybe sex is so important in these communities because this is what they always think about, instead of helping others. Maybe that is why we hear lots of abuse and Inappropriate touching, happening in the churches from their pastors or members who people thought they are the holiest person on earth after Jesus.

Let me tell you something about my fiancé, Thank God absolutely she is not Christian, and she never claimed she is but she acts more than thousands who claim they are Christian. The judge will be much easier for her than those who call themselves Christians.

She is helping and working with many underground churches without expecting that God will save her. She does not bargain with anyone even God which we “Christians bargaining with God”. Which one is better, doing good things because of receiving something in return or doing good just because you want to do good and do not expect anything in return?

Wake up Christians,

We believe in Jesus because He will save us, love us, and He will forgive us, one of the most common reasons why people believe in Jesus (this is bargaining) but those who already do this without bargaining they are already in heaven and saved.

The pastor emailed me and told me; “Josh, yes you are right we have pastors and Christians at churches who hypocrite or do not do what Jesus said as you guys have in underground house churches”. I responded, “Have you ever worked with underground house churches in persecuted countries? He said no. I responded maybe we have, but you are not in a position to even give your opinion about something you never had or experienced”.

Do I talk about all Christians in the USA? Absolutely not, but at least I have 9 years of experience seeing what American churches and pastors do in the USA.

From my little diary….  

 When Publicity Puts Persecuted People in Greater Danger

“Just think about it for a second. That is all I ask.”

There is something that deeply concerns me about the way some organizations publicly announce their plans to send large quantities of Bibles into Iran.

Today, many people—including, potentially, Iranian authorities—can become aware of publicly announced plans. For those of us who have worked with underground churches and persecuted Christian communities, that kind of publicity can create serious concerns.

Imagine publicly announcing a plan to bring 300,000 Bibles into Iran at a reported cost of $3 million.

Then ask yourself:

Do you believe Iranian authorities will simply ignore a publicly announced operation of that size?

This is exactly why those of us who have experience working in sensitive and persecuted environments must think carefully about security, discretion, and the possible consequences for people inside the country.

The people taking the greatest risks are often not the people making announcements from outside Iran.

They are the people living inside Iran.

The underground church leaders.

The volunteers.

The families.

The believers whose names may never be known publicly.

They are the ones who could face interrogation, arrest, imprisonment, or worse when unnecessary attention is drawn to their work.

---

When I Heard “$10 for Every Bible,” I Was Furious

I have heard fundraising proposals asking supporters to contribute approximately $10 for each Bible supposedly sent into Iran.

And I immediately asked a simple question:

Is the money really going toward the Bible—or toward an expensive system built around delivering it?

After years of experience and after witnessing the enormous risks, costs, and human consequences involved in transporting Christian materials into Iran, I believe people should be asking more questions.

Where is the money going?

How much actually reaches the people inside the country?

How many Bibles are actually distributed?

Who verifies those numbers?

What security measures protect the people receiving and distributing them?

And perhaps the most important question:

Could the same mission be accomplished more effectively, more safely, and at a significantly lower cost?

These are not attacks.

These are questions donors have the right to ask.

---

We Learned There Were Safer and More Affordable Alternatives

After years of experience and significant personal risk, we reconsidered the traditional method of physically transporting large quantities of Bibles across borders.

Even if materials successfully cross a border, there remains the risk of confiscation, exposure, and danger to the people involved.

For that reason, according to our experience, we moved away from large-scale smuggling operations and explored local and more discreet ways of producing Christian materials, reducing costs and avoiding some of the risks associated with transporting large shipments.

I have described some of the dangers involved in my book, Becoming Joshua.

My point is simple:

If a mission can be accomplished more safely and at a fraction of the cost, why should donors not ask why millions of dollars are being requested?

If an organization claims that $3 million is needed for a project, while another approach may potentially accomplish a similar goal for far less money, transparency becomes essential.

For us, this is not just about dollars.

It is about human lives.

---

Publicity Can Become a Danger

This is what makes me especially concerned.

A public fundraising announcement may generate attention and money outside Iran—but attention can create danger inside Iran.

Those making announcements may be thousands of miles away.

But the consequences may fall on people who cannot simply walk away from the risk.

Some people announce the mission. Others live with the consequences.

That is why I believe people working in persecuted countries must be careful.

If you genuinely want to support people living under persecution, you should ask:

Will this announcement protect them—or expose them?

Will this strategy help them—or create additional danger?

Are we serving the people on the ground—or building a fundraising campaign around their suffering?

These questions matter.

---

Donors Deserve Transparency

I am not saying that every organization raising money for persecuted Christians is dishonest.

But I am saying this:

No organization should be beyond questions.

If you are asking people to donate millions of dollars, you should be prepared to explain clearly:

• What exactly will the money be used for?
• How much goes directly to the mission?
• How much goes toward administration and salaries?
• How are the results independently verified?
• How many people are actually being reached?
• What risks does the operation create for people inside the country?
• Is there a safer or more cost-effective alternative?

And when an organization claims to be working with underground churches inside Iran, another reasonable question is:

What is the actual scope of that work?

Because claiming a mission and successfully carrying out a mission are not always the same thing.

---

This Is Not About Protecting My Reputation

Perhaps some people will be angry with me for asking these questions.

Perhaps someone will threaten me with legal action.

My answer is simple:

Do it.

I have already faced prison.

I have already faced persecution.

I have already learned what it means to suffer consequences for speaking about what I believe.

I am not interested in protecting a reputation at the expense of the truth.

But I also believe that truth requires evidence, accountability, and transparency.

If I am wrong, show me the facts.

If an organization is truly accomplishing what it claims, provide clear and verifiable evidence.

Then let people see the truth and make their own decisions.

---

Just Think About It for a Second

That is all I ask.

If someone publicly announces a multimillion-dollar plan involving hundreds of thousands of Bibles entering one of the world’s most sensitive environments, shouldn’t people ask questions about feasibility, security, cost, and accountability?

If people inside the country can accomplish parts of the work more efficiently and safely, shouldn’t their experience be heard?

If millions of dollars are being requested in the name of persecuted Christians, shouldn’t those Christians be among the people whose safety comes first?

And if the Gospel is truly good news—

Why should the suffering of persecuted people ever become a marketing strategy?

---

My belief is simple:

God’s Kingdom is not a business model.

The Gospel is not a fundraising product.

The suffering of persecuted people is not a marketing campaign.

And when money is requested in God’s name, people have every right to ask:

Where is it going?

Who is it helping?

What is it accomplishing?

And can it be done better, safer, and with greater accountability?

Because faith should never require people to stop thinking.

And asking questions does not make someone an enemy of the Gospel.

Sometimes, asking questions is the first step toward protecting the people the Gospel claims to serve.

—Joshua

“Just think about it for a second. That is all I ask.”

The Example of the SCAMMERS

Which government accepted me!! Is that a coincidence or some truth is behind this?

There is no doubt that the Iranian government doesn’t want anyone from any other religion in Iran and they are very upfront about it, either right or wrong that is what the dictator country does. Iranian people never had a problem with me or with my faith.

On the other hand, I came to the USA during the Obama presidency. Also, my brother Parsa came to the USA during the Biden presidency.

When I came to the USA, most of the churches and believers told me the Democrats are evil and at that time I believed my brother and sister and pastors in churches will tell me the truth.

Days after days I realized what I hear from the community (Churches) that I trusted simply is not true.  I realized staying in this community makes me HATE everyone who isn’t part of us and that was exactly what the Iranian government do. Opposite of what Jesus taught me.

In their mind, everyone is a sinner and go to hell if they do not worship like they do. Love and acceptance did not exist in these churches and Christians, the definition of love and acceptance each other for them was love and accept themselves and whoever belongs to their community and not others. I have thousands of examples but for many reasons, I decided to not publish them in my diary.

Once again, I should have made another hard decision in my life, this time in America and I knew the consequence. I knew the people in the church and their pastors will reject me so badly worse than the Iranian government, and they did. But you know what, who cares. Soon or late their churches will turn to the Wearhouse and people will understand the truth and will leave them.

I hate when in every diary I talk negatively about most churches in America, but I cannot pretend, I cannot act

When You love so deeply,

You feel so deeply,

I prefer they kicked me out of the church (which they did) and tell me I am evil or I am not Christian but tell them the truth.

The truth hurt me always no matter where I am, and the truth makes me leave those whom I love.

Hey Jesus, let’s have an honest conversation for a second, let’s assume I am not your son and You are not my father; let’s talk like two grown men!!!

Why your followers can not Love and Accept others like themselves In America?

Why they are so arrogant and think they know you very well better than you know yourself?

Why do they think a bigger church will give them a bigger Holy Spirit?

,

,

(Note, I am not Democrat, I am not Republican. Action talks louder than words)

Thank you for the heart felt emails that I received from many people around the world.

I am grateful for your support and I appreciate you are taking your time to visiting our website, following our news and activities, checking my Art Gallery and reading my diaries.

I will add more diaries ASAP when I am able to write and draw.

…Pending…